The more I think about it, the more it seems that I'm just as awkward online as I am in real life. I'm a total hermit in real life, maybe I should be online as well - observing, never opining, and just putting fiction and art out there because people seem to accept that.
Man, people can accept some weird art from me, too... I've noticed I can get away with an awful lot when I'm just creating and putting stuff out there without it being a *conversation.*
Not so much in opining, though. I'm opining here, but this is my little space and few people ever comment. I'm not sure anyone is even reading.
I've just noticed something with me and the blogs of others when it comes to the commentary. It seems whenever I try to join a "community" I wind up being the odd person out or sooner or later screwing it up for myself in some way. I've noticed online, as well as in real life, whenever I feel "too safe" I'll let thoughts spill that I probably shouldn't. Random thoughts, whatever comes to mind. Poor impulse control. No matter how safe and "loved" I feel among any set of people, sooner or later, I fart and I stand alone (to borrow a line from a T-shirt).
Sometimes, it's just the nature of the community - a lot of online communities and blogs, if they have a large number of people on them, get contentious. Each community has its own little culture that one must take a while to get to know.
I stopped posting and even trying to ingratiate myself to the community on one blog I regularly read for instance, because while I enjoy that blog, I found the comments-box atmosphere to be very serious. It does make sense as the place seems to have a problem with trolls sometimes and discusses intellectual/societal things, but I've found that making a misstep to find myself laid out and have my brain handed to me somehow more painful than the usual online contentions. I didn't feel particularly "singled out" in regards to that blog, though - the "I will lay you out and show you your brain before you die!" seems to happen to everyone there, even the regulars when they argue with each other. I just found it a high-tension community that requires both brains and emotional toughness to participate in. (Notice I'm not naming blogs here). I've always been too soft-hearted to deal with high tension, even if it stimulates the gray matter. It's just my "I was always an alien there and could never fit in" makes me sad because of the gray matter discussions.
This post was prompted by what's going on for me right now in another community / single-person blog with a semi-large following that I follow. The problem I have right now regarding feeling a bit hurt is that I *felt like I was a part of the community there.* I wasn't just a lurker, I've been following and commenting for quite some time and I've met some budding online buddies there. The place was kind of like my online "church" in absence of my going to a meatspace church. I felt a lot of spiritual fulfillment talking to other oddballs-like-me there. I feel like I've been tip-toeing there for a while, too, though. I've made a couple of impulsive stupid-crap-off-the-top-of-my-head comments/posts there that have gotten deleted before, and ever since then I've wondered if the blog's owner has been *watching me VERY closely.* I'm not like his trolls, though - he gets some very nasty trolls that come along to harass and condemn him and people on the blog community. I think he knows I'm not one of those -- but is also mindful that I'm kind of insane. I probably scare the guy. (Again, I'm not naming blogs).
I noticed the last time I posted a comment, (today) it was "under moderation" which usually doesn't happen, comments are usually just trusted and open - I have no idea if it's because the comment area had reached past-200 posts and that's standard or if it's because the threadlet I was in *was* getting off-topic, or if the blog owner decided "Yeah, she's getting insane again, time to watch her." I might be reading-in with the last bit, but, seeing as I've gotten that feeling from people before, I'm kind of keyed-into it and/or paranoid.
I am very mindful that I am a creature of impulse when it comes to sharing my thoughts and I am very mindful that in regards to most of the human race, I seem to think like an alien. It's how I've always felt, anyway - just awkward whenever there's a conversation, even online, when I feel freer. There's a danger in that, you know, the freedom of being behind a screen. It can make a person even more awkward. After all, here, in text, I do not get the visual cues such as a groan or a withering look.
I welcome comments on this blog, though - because, well, I post random fiction here and I'd really like feedback on my writing. Otherwise, I don't know. Maybe I should "lurk moar" wherever I go online. Maybe I shouldn't expect welcome or community. Maybe those things are just not for me because I'm just never going to know how to act in regards to communities.